Depression and anxiety love sneaking in when you least expect it. I was on a roll for a few weeks there writing over 2,000 words per day and completing the first draft of my novel. Those pesky emotions snuck in and kept me glued to my bed. I’m lucky I get to keep having therapy despite the quarantine and COVID-19 situation – after analyzing my behavior with my therapist we realized I had very good reason for feeling depressed and anxious.
My mothers birthday and the day she passed away was May 5th; I’m never in a terribly great mood on that day. It still breaks my heart that she died on her birthday. It hurts me more that for years she predicted it and I brushed it off asking her to enjoy her birthday instead of focusing on death. I was so selfish to ignore her predictions and feelings. I miss my Mom every day and I’ve never stopped grieving her death. Her influence on my life is being reflected in the book I’m writing. My passion for Filipino culture comes from her raising me!
As a long-distance parent sometimes writing letters to my daughters cheers me up. I wrote her a letter to cope and luckily I got to hear from her on Mothers Day. She called me early in the morning and filled me full of love.
By the end of Mothers Day I was feeling better than I had. My amazing husband did charcoal-facials with me and we pulled our tarot cards for the week. For myself I ended up pulling the four of cups – it represents retreat, withdrawn, rest and the need to check within oneself. The card harkened to me that I must get back to my writing and reminding myself of my goals and aspirations. I took over a week off to lounge in my depression, which I needed at the time, but now I need to tap back into my inner-grit and get back to living my life.
Yesterday and today I am happy to have edited over 20 pages and rewrote a couple of scenes for clarity. I also found that playing Betty Boop cartoons in the background keeps my mood up while I’m working. That’s another Denise-hack I can add to my self-care list.
My original due date of May 12th (today) won’t be happening… but I am going to forgive myself, be kind to myself, and allow myself whatever time I need to get this done. My mental health is more important to me than getting the book published before the Venus Retrograde begins. I’m going to set a rough-goal of getting the editing and cover art completed by May 26th… but based on my mental health drop this last week we’ll see. One day at a time.